Yesterday while I was waiting for my Dr's appt I picked up a magazine in the waiting room and started reading. It's a Canadian Publication (not that it makes much of a difference) and an article caught my eye. It seems that when I see the word adoption I have to read and can't pull myself away.
This article was about a woman who had for 10 years been searching for her birth parents. She had been left at the door of a hospital in Northern British Columbia and there are no clues as to who gave birth to her or any medical background. It detailed her journey and how eveyone had been very supportive including her "Adoptive Parents". These 2 words together really p!ssed me off. Why does such an emphasis have to be put on how this family came together. That woman was and is that child's mother. This is the woman to whom the child ran too when she was hurt, this is who kissed the owies, consoled her and celebrated milestones. To me that is what makes a mom. It's not going through morning sickness or having stretch marks, it's about loving and caring for your child unconditionally.

From the Websters Thesaurus and Dictionary

Entry Word: mother
Function: noun
Text: a female human parent
Synonyms ma, mama, mammy, mom, momma, mum [chiefly British]
Related Words matriarch, matron

Main Entry: adopt
Pronunciation: &-'däpt
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French or Latin; Middle French adopter, from Latin adoptare, from ad- + optare to choose
1 : to take by choice into a relationship; especially : to take voluntarily (a child of other parents) as one's own child

I suppose a post like this would have been more approriate in May with Mother's Day, but with Father's Day approaching it is somewhat suitable.

The first summer with Jo we were off to camp with some really great friends. I was asked the question "How tall is her real dad?" I was really snotty with my response and said "Hubby is 6 foot 2 and her birth father is apparantly 6 foot 4". I was really embarrassed by the way I said it and emailed with an apology when we got home. I know that I shouldn't have been upset my friend for asking the way she did. I was just tired of answering so many questions. Most people who haven't had any experience with adoption don't understand. A woman that I work with has 2 sisters. I didn't realize until recently that her father was widowed when she was small and remarried a woman with a daughter. They then had one daughter together. While in church on day a lady approached the group of 3 daughters and posed the question, "Which one is adopted?" To which her mom replied, "You know, I really don't remember." The story was told to me with such adoration for her mom. She says that from then on she never questioned her mom's love for her.

While we were at the wedding last weekend, I saw an old friend that I hadn't seen since highschool. She had no idea of our fertility struggles and had no idea that we adopted Jo. She gushed about how much Jo and I look alike. I walked away after a quick conversation because most times I feel guilty for not telling the truth. Is it wrong not to say anything? I asked a friend of mine who also adopted both of her children and she said that once her son starts school it will be his choice to tell people that he was adopted. I like her attitude! She then said that people won't ask what position you were in when your child is concieved, so really it's nobody's business but your own.

When Jo was about a month old we were at a funeral and this woman looked at Jo and said to me, "Look at all her hair, you must have had such terrible heartburn." I said no and giggled to myself. It really wasn't a lie. I didn't have much heartburn at all before Jo was born.

I often forget that Jo is adopted. I was with her in labour and delivery and brought her home a mere 20 hours after she was born. She is mine by choice and I don't think that I could have given birth to a child who has brought joy to so many lives. A month before Jo was born our neighbour's husband passed away. I would like to think that Jo helped her through the first, second and now into the third year by putting a smile on my neighbour's face now and then and maybe kept her mind off of her grief if only for a few minutes.

I don't know if I got a point across with this, I'm not even sure if I ever had a point at all. I just know that I am Jo's mom and nothing will ever change that. We know that we won't keep her adoption a secret from her, but hope that one day when she is old enough to understand we will be the ones to tell her about her "tummy mummy" and that she will love her for giving us such a precious gift...our daughter.

So am I her adoptive mother or am I just plain "Mommy"? I guess it doesn't really matter.....All that really matters at the end of the day is this:
She is happy,
She is healthy and
She is mine

I did a google search and came up with this link that I'm going to copy and paste a few things from.

Our children are not ours because they share our genes...
they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them.
That, at the end of the day...
or long sleepless night, is how love really works.
--- Unknown

Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it
--- Fleur Conkling Heylinger

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
--- Rita Laws, PhD

posted by Northern Mom @ 9:44 p.m.

8 Comments:

At 10:30 a.m., Krazzy K said…

I don't know what to say, you always seem to ask retorical questions, you know YOU are HER mom. No one else is. Your not her adoptive Mother. You are just a Mother, her mother. bing bang boom. there is nothing else to it.
Hugs and Kisses
KrazZzY K.
At 5:29 p.m., twinmomplusone said…

very well said Northern Mom and yes, you are HER MOM...point final.

love what your friend said:

"Is it wrong not to say anything? I asked a friend of mine who also adopted both of her children and she said that once her son starts school it will be his choice to tell people that he was adopted. I like her attitude! She then said that people won't ask what position you were in when your child is concieved, so really it's nobody's business but your own"

We used to get that question a lot: "are those real twins or fake ones?" They were pretty real to me when they were both screaming all night long!!! So IMHO, it's not wrong not to say anything.
At 9:49 p.m., nancy said…

My brother was adopted, and we were always told so. It was never a secret in our family, just a fact of how we became our family of four. I can't imagine it any other way. He was 5 months old when he came to us, I 'think' I remember the day we brought him home.

He has always been my brother, and nothing else. Often times people have told us how much we look alike. We just look at each other and giggle, sharing what I think is a compliment, of sorts.

Fat forward to our fertility issues. I remember after our failed cycle, we were talking about adoption. I went for dinner with my father, alone. I had never talked to him about it, but we never needed to just cause it was never an issue in our family. I asked him if there was EVER a moment that he thought, felt, even wanted to say that his son wasn't truly his son. He never hesitated, answering no. Then he thought about it for a few more seconds, and answered again, no. That meant so much to me, and helped me stop wondering at all, in any way, if I would ever hesitate myself. I then knew that I never would.

Even though we are one of the very fortunate couples whom IVF did work for, I can't yet say that adoption is something I would never consider, cause I think one day, I would.

Josee is a very lucky and loved member of your family, no matter what. You are a good Mommy my friend, never doubt that.
At 10:28 p.m., BeachMama said…

You are one of the best Mom's I know. You are Jo's Mom no matter what people ask or say.

Jo does look like you and you are going to have to decide how to accept that. I personally think you should just say thanks and move on. It's nobody's business but your own and you should not in any way feel guilty for not saying that she was adopted.

I am sure it isn't the same at all, but I sometimes feel guilty not telling people that A is stepson. Sometimes it is just easier to say I have two kids. I really hate having to explain to people and if it were my choice he would be mine.
At 4:06 p.m., Anonymous said…

you made me teary-eyed, Barb. Big hugs to you and your daughter.
At 8:49 p.m., Silver Creek Mom said…

What Jo isn't yours? She acts just like you and BOY she has you strong stubborn streak. Are you sure?

Seriously...You are her mom and YOU do NOT have to explain about anything. You can tell or not at the time it's up to you.

YOUR love is shown all though that girl and every time we go to the Disney store.
;)

Hugs
At 2:34 p.m., DaniGirl said…

*LOVED* those quotations, Barb. A great post...
At 11:03 p.m., petunia said…

You know EXACTLY how I feel about al the questions.....i hate it. I know no one means anything bad by it but I even hate when people say "she could be yours" OOOOOHHHH i hate that. She IS ours darnit. I know what they mean....

I really think it;s rude when people say "did you meet her real mom?" _I'M HER REAL MOM - i always answer "we got to meet the BIRTHmom"

There are so many angry birthmoms out there....they feel they are that babies mother and to them they can always be. But, I am that baby's mother now and for always. I'm glad somebidy else out there feels the hurt. Our baby is so much ours - just as I was my adopted parents baby from the day they saw me.