I've been wandering around the city for most of the day and blogging in my head.(Thinking of Dani's Beloved knowing when she is blogging in her head) Of course when I sit at the keyboard my mind takes a vacation. I've considered the titles "Bittersweet" or "Not my Choice" or "Why Not Me?" or "Feeling Sorry for Myself?"

All of this has been brought on by my new neice. I was over to the hospital this morning and held Olivia, changed a diaper and cuddled her while she slept. She is an adorable little girl and it brings so many memories flooding back.

Where am I going with this? Those who know me, will be shaking their heads right now and can probably guess.

While I was visiting with SCM (Silver Creek Musings) over the March Break I was trying to explain to Kelsey (my sitter and considered my first born) how so many of us are blessed and lucky to have the children that we have but that our choices are limited. We can't just have a great night with hubby and in 2 weeks start buying baby clothes. I'm not saying that I want another baby and that I'm not happy with having only one child, but what if I did want another one. It's not my choice. I have to reason with myself and convince myself that by having an only child we can give her so much, but the little voice in the back of my head argues that we should give her a sibling. Things are getting easier and easier everyday. No more diaper bag, booster seats or playpens to lug around for out of town visits. Waking in the middle of the night is a rare occasion anymore. I'm not sure that I have a patience to deal with another child either. There are days when Jo has pushed my limits as far as she can and then I feel so guilty becuase I don't have the patience I should have as a mom.

I really thought I was over the whole wanting a baby thing. I could feel the tears welling up listening this afternoon as my step sister replayed how hard the labour was and how happy she was that she had a c-section. I want to know what labour feels like. There are days when I forget that I didn't give birth to Jo. I was there, I saw her being born. I coached her birth mom through labour and yet I want to experience it first hand.

It wasn't my choice to have Jo as an only child. That choice was taken away when my fallopian tubes decided to be on strike and were too lazy to move the little embryos to my uterus where they were supposed to be. It wasn't my choice to only have 3 IVF cycles covered and then with no more than a wave from the clinic be dismissed. I condsider myself lucky to have had 3 chances, but the odds weren't in my favour. I don't know if I could emotionally cycle again. Physically is hard, but the ups and downs are just too hard. If somebody handed me 10 grand and said I could cycle again, I probably would.

Before Jo came into our lives I could never understand how couples went through IVF so many times. I never understood why if you had a child that you would be putting yourself through the agony again. I just thought that once you had a child that the yearning went away. It doesn't. I guess maybe I hoped that by loving Jo the way I do, that the need would go away.

I peek in on Jo every night before I go to bed. I go in, cover her, kiss her and just watch her sleep. When I get feeling like this I don't ever want her to think that she isn't enough. She is enough. I know that, but the emotions are so up and down with infertility that one day you are fine and then Wham it hits you all over again. Had it been my choice to have only one it might be so much different going to see a newborn.

It was a bittersweet day. My SS thought she would have trouble concieving. She and her hubby have been together for more than 10 years and hardly used any birth control. There was even an HSG at point years ago. Olivia is her wedding gift. She is a honeymoon baby. I'm thrilled for them and it's great to go out and buy baby girl things again. Jo and I had a ball yesterday buying outfits for "My new baby cousin" as Jo calls her. But bittersweet it is. I just have to remind myself that I won't be the one walking the floors for what seems like hours on end, I don't have to deal with colic, sterilizing bottles, mixing formula and exploding diapers.....
(but you all know I would do it all in a heartbeat!)

Having typed and read this helps me to feel a little better. I'd be lying if I said there weren't tears welled behind my eyes. I am a new auntie again! I am happy, but a little jealous at the same time. It doesn't help either that my Aunt Flo decided to show up this morning too. Damn the bad timing.

I'm off to curl up with a book and escape to the world of lawyers in million dollar houses who can't get their love lives quite straight. I can't say I learn much from romance novels, but when you can run away to your own little oasis and forget about the real world for an hour or two it's not wasted time.

PS....proud auntie pic below, taken by me this afternoon!

posted by Northern Mom @ 3:14 p.m.

6 Comments:

At 11:34 p.m., twinmomplusone said…

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))

The ride on this infertility rollercaster never ends, although eventually the ups and downs get smaller.
At 12:19 a.m., nancy said…

Congratulations Auntie! Your post is beautiful, thoughtful, and made my eyes all moist. I'm with you on the ride....
At 9:08 a.m., Silver Creek Mom said…

Hugs and Congrats Auntie.

Beautifully said and so true of any of us.
At 10:30 a.m., twinmomplusone said…

yep, we're all on this ride together, so let's buckle up, hang on as tight as we can, hold hands if we need to, scream out loud when we need to and laugh when we can

did you know that i really, really hate rollercoasters...so I'm glad I had you on board for this one, wish we had met many more moons ago
At 12:15 p.m., DaniGirl said…

What a lovely, poignant, thoughtful post. Huge hugs to you, my friend.

(And by the way, you have officially 'arrived' as a blogger when you blog in your head better than when you're at your keyboard!)
At 6:50 a.m., BeachMama said…

It would seem that the two of us are riding the same rollercoaster at the moment. Only I have two new neices, thankfully (and I do feel bad for saying this) one is very far away and I don't have to see her everyday. I am doing much better being around my first new neice, it doesn't sting as much. But indeed there were a few rough weeks there.

I feel like I am not ready to give up the hope and dream of another child in our house. I always wanted lots, growing up in a house of four kids, somehow makes me want to have lots of kids too. The difference being that my Mom and Dad got started a lot sooner (13 years) than we did, so chances of three more kids are slim because of age alone.

I do hope that one day our want and yearning dies away and that we can hold new babies and not be sad.

Many Hugs